Depression is my own private hell

There have been so many things going on in my life as of late that I feel like I am slowlt spinning out of control…

I went to the Doctors for a mamagram a few weeks ago and got called back for a suspicious area thta has them concerned…it scares the hell out of me, I watched my mom battle breast cancer, watched the effect of the chemo and radiation on her…it runs high in my family and I just fear it so bad…

My weight has been a huge issue with me…I lost so much weight and I felt so good, then the docs put me back on heavy steroids due to severe rhumitoid problems, and the weight came back and some…When I get like this I hate myself, I mean truely hate myself…I cry if I have to try on clothes, I don’t feel sexy when I am intimate with Ken and I avoid mirrors at all costs…its tearing me up inside, I feel like ts a slow death at times.

I have battled depression most of my life, this times just seems worse.  Ken says he will walk with me every evening, so heres to hoping.  I have also been doing exercises alone through out the day…I need to figure this all out…I also need to start eating healthier.  Things just seem to be snowballing in my head…

Well I am off to clean and goof off with Ashley…stay cool in this freak heat wave and have fun…

Carie

Ken

Ken is the man in my life…I love him so much, we have been pretty damn happy for going on 5 years.

Like any relationship we have had our ups and downs, and sometimes I wonder if her realizes we have had downs lol. 

He has a way of making me happy like no one else has, and he has also hurt me pretty bad…but so far the happy times kick the bad times ass .  when we met I wasn’t looking for anything really, I was being hassled that I needed to get out, to learn about being a “woman” and not just a mommy…but I was happy just being a mommy, or so I thought lol…

We met on the internet, yep we did, and nope hes not a freak lol.  After sharing some emails and such we decided to meet for “coffee” (I soooo hate coffee) at Denny’s.  I pulled in next to his car (it looked so beat up) and he got out in a dress shirt, tie and looking like such a silly little nerd…and I thought ohhh man is this going to be a long night, me I looked no better, I had just got out of the skate park with some friends, I was wearing baggy torn jeans and a hoodie…hair was a mess so I threw some sunglasses up there to hold it all down lol…so we looked so different…

We sat down, he got his coffee, I got a pepsi…he ordered wings and I stuck to the soda lol…but he cracked me up, not with jokes or stupid bull shit, just being us, it was great.  But I still didn’t think romantic, I though man this guy is pretty cool for looking like a dork…and that was how it all started lol, and how he got his nickname of being my dork .

Shortly after that we decided to go to the movies, Harry Potter 1 was coming out and my daughter soooo wanted to see it, so we made it a date, we would meet him there, see if my daughter doesn’t like him hes soooo gone, but I decided to up it a little and brough my nephew Little B…and I let them know they were to just be kids not to hold back, to be their silly, goofy selves that I sooo get a kick out of, we will call it a test.  He sailed through it, played video games with them, and laughed with them, he fit…we were all silly and it worked…

After that I invited him over and he sat and made harry potter potions with Ash, and they made gummy candy and some chocolate suckers lol, he never got grossed out by her wierd food choices from the harry potter potion kit, he tried them all lol.  She even sat on his lap, she hated guys lol (except Uncle D and Papa) so it was so huge…he came over every day for awhile, we watched TV picked Ash up togather, and I started having feelings…then one day boom started kissing and well it went so fast for me lol but it meant alot, and I knew I was in love…and we have been solid since then…

The downs have been hard…its created some distrust I am still struggling with…the personal ad he had, said it was before us, I said ok…he deleted it…then the adult personal ad he said he had to look at dirty pictures…ummm ok ouch talk about hurting me double…we got through it…then the ex girl friend calls and emails and chats he hid till I saw a email…now that burns, it hurts because he hid it, and because he still talks to her, and because she constantly brought up their past and the feelings…so I am still trying to work through all of it…and then theres the way he tends to forget me when with his friends working on the race cars, or when at his family functions, I could have been gone for hours before he even noticed…we have issues, but we are trying to keep the communication open…well I am trying anyways…I tend to bottle it all up, and not share, I have always been like that.

Ken is a pretty great guy, hes been so strong for us through so many medical problems, through all my surgeries…through Ashleys eye problems…hes never walked away from all the stress and preasure…I love him, I do, I just wish I could trust him like I used to, now when his phone rings and he takes it to another “quieter room” I wonder who it is, or when hes doing email, I wonder if any are her…I also wonder if he has other ads out there, I mean I do trust that he won’t cheat on me physically, but emotionally he sort of already did…and I guess thats the part that hurts, I mean his ex has a husband and all, but the emails defiantly made it sound like she had regrets and maybe wanted to see how things could be…anyways I wanted to explain where Ken and I started, where we are and so that somewhere down the lane when I talk about him it makes sence…

Despite my negative comments he is a good guy, I do love him completely, and I will try to talk to him about how I feel…

Well I will talk to everyone later, I need to go finish the kitchen…

Issac

I am going to add posts about the people in my life then and now so as I can get over some and try and forgive others…hell and rejoice in the ones still here

Isaac is the father of my little girl…we were 16 when we met.  I met him at church, funny how you meet the devil at a church huh?  I went there one night with a friend and all these little wannabe gangster boys where all yelling for my name and number and so on, I ignored them all as I walked in…then there was Isaac.  He was with the group of guys, but he never yelled, he just watched me…it was sort of wierd.

After services he came up to me and introduced himself…I was really shy and I was truely an innocent and good girl…so I had no reason to believe he was anything but what I saw, a nice guy…

He asked me my name, age, and where I went to school…we talked for a moment and then I left…2 days later he called me, I had not given him my number so it creeped me out…he said he got my friend to give it to him…we talked on the phone a few times a day till the next Sunday…

I got there with my friend again, and once again all the guys were right there in my face, it was like these backwoods retards had never seen a girl…I just walked past…but Isaac followed me, he grabbed me by my arm, apologized for his friends…we talked till church started…after services he asked if I would go to the teen church diner for Valentines…I told him I had to ask my mom, he said hed call, and he did, like 5 min after I walked in my house…my mom said ok, she thought since he went to church he had to be a nice guy, he fooled us all.

When I got dropped off at his house where alot of the kids were meeting there was a wierd tention in the air, he said it was cause he was supposed to go with a different girl but broke it off, so I definatly felt akward.  Everyone was so nice to me, except the girl, she gave me the pissed off look all night lol…we ate at a diner similar to Denny’s and then went to play pool…it was nice…and I had had enough of the girl, so I confronted her (I was innocent in the world of dating and all, but I grew up in the hood, I had been arrested and in more fights then I care to think of) I told her simply if there was a problem then she needed to speak up cause I was tired of the look, she busted out crying saying I stole Isaac from her…I was like whatever, this was the first date and I didn’t know shit about her…she was all apologetic and wanted to be friends…nope not my style lol…

From that night on Isaac and I became an item, it happend so fast, I didn’t feel comfortable, but I felt I had no choice, he said he needed me…he was a throw away child in foster care, bounced from here to there, he said I was the first person who ever saw good in him, and I did, I saw this person who so needed love, and I thought I could help him, so I tired all the time…

When I would go to school he made me call him everyday at lunch to check in, he was scared that I was talking to other guys, well duh, I was 16 and alot of my friends were guys, he hated it, he was controling and jealous, but I thought it was cause he loved me…school ended and we spent every day of summer togather, my family had started hating him, they were scared of the way he treated me, he yelled and cussed at me alot, he would flip out if a guy looked at me…he scared me alot, but he would say he would die without me, that he would kill himself, so I stayed, I had to, I couldn’t live with the idea of him dieing cause of me…HELLO I WAS 16!!!!!

We did alot of things togather, he took me to my prom, hell my family paid for it all, he took me to Sadie Hawkins dance and then tried to start one hellofa fight with some guys I was friends with cause they wanted to dance with me…we grew up togather, but he flipped out, I let him stalk out, I was so tired of it, I went out and danced, like I had a million times before, I loved dancing, me and all the girls, as well as the guys, we just had fun, I had no clue he stuck around and was stalking me…I slow danced with a friend of mine named Jade, he flirted with me outrageously as always, its who is is, and we laughed and just chilled…after that I went outside to go to the rest room (it was in the hall outside the gym) and there was Isaac, it was the first time he ever physically hurt me…he slapped me, and hit me and screamed at me…I was so scared, I didn’t even try to fight back, so not my character…then he held me and was all crying and he kept saying he was sorry, I was so fucked up, I was bloody and sore, but I held him, comforted him…and we slinked off into the night…I was ashamed and scared that my friends would see me…

Things just kept getting worse…he was so possesive…we had not slept togather yet, I wanted it to be special, beautiful, with the man I was goign to spend the rest of my life with him…Isaac was forever putting preasure on me, he said if I loved him I would, that we wree forever so why not, but I wouldn’t…one night I was spending the night with a friend, she lived by Isaac, and he decided it was going to be the night, I was so setup…she thought it was so romantic, she told me we had to take something to Isaacs for her parents, so we went over there, his family was not home, he asked if we could talk, so I said ok…she so left, ditched me as they had already planned…it was a night from hell…

He screamed and hit me when I said it wasn’t going to happen, it just kept getting worse, I wanted to get out of there, I tried, I even fought back, hard…but nothing worked….he got what he wanted that night, he destroyed me, left me dead inside…I cried in a little ball in the cornor, he slept by the door, my escape…he wasn’t done with me, he started all over again in the morning, I faught with all I had, he hit me in the head with a pitcher and when I woke up he was done…he made me take a shower…get cleaned up, when I went to my friends he spun the story we had gotten jumped while walking around that night, I said nothing…

I got home and my family believed the lie, I just wanted to die…and tried…life sucked for me…so I tried to inlist in the army…I was 17 now…and when I went for the physical, I was told I was pregnant…

no I never ever thought anything negative from what happend, I loved my baby from the moment I knew about her, I figured god was trying to make the bad livable by blessing me with my baby…

He said I was now his forever, he had wanted this he said, a baby to bond us forever…when I was 4 months pregnant my mom let him move in, his foster home went from bad to worse, I begged her not to, but she wanted te money…we faught alot, I was so sick, I got the freakin chicken pox when I was 7 months pragnent…that was around the time he flipped the hell out…

He was so high when I got home from the store, he was wasted…and he started screaming I didn’t love him anymore, and Iw as cheating…he had a knife…I ran to the bathroom, had the phone…called 911…they put me on hold lol…he was banging on the door, stabbing it, I was pleading with him not to hurt me, I was so scarred…things were going topsy turvy, he then wanted to hurt himself…he had broke the door and had the knife at his own arm…I was still on with 911, and I was drained, this was going on 4 hours, I started having pains in my belly, and I was nauseus…so I told him to do t, to hurry up and kill himself, I wanted it over, 911 was yelling at me to not say that…he cut his arm, no where near lethal, but there was alot of blood, he cut the upper portion on the flip side…I screamed at him to do it right…the police, and ambulance came…took the psycho away…

they said he would be gone for the mandatory 48 hours for people who try to commit suicide…the police brought him back like 6 hours later…ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!  He started screaming again, my mom was there, she stood between us, he threw a fit and left…the next day he got on a bus to San Jose…he was gone, I was fre…oh thank god…

He called all the time, made so many threats, he was going to still my baby unless we got back togather…he showed up a week before she was due, he cried alot, apologized and split…the night I gave birth he called the hospital he told me he wished she and I had died…and for awhile there after made many threats to steal her…I lived in fear, but he never came, he moved further away…when she was 4 he showed up for Halloween and walked us around…told me he loved me, wanted us to be a fmaily, I said ummmm HELL NO, he acted ok…we went home, he just kept saying he loved me, like always…

he came by 1 more time, loaded with toys she already had and said he was going to take them back and get others…never saw he again…or at least till he showed up here last year…Ashley and I were out…my mom was here…he left and never came back…I still get calls all the time with I love yous and I want yous…but he will never really be a bother, he has 4 other kids with the girl he lives with, he calls me in front of her, tells me he loves me and wants only me, and she stays, so I guess thats her problem, I am so pass done lol…

I still have severe nightmares, I still get scarred if I see someone who looks like him in a crowd, but I have never warped my daughters mind, never fed her all the bullshit, I let her believe her Dady was a good man at heart who had problems and thats why he wasn’t around…his family let the cat out of tha bag about the abuse and drugs, I talked to her, she understands…things will never be ok for me in my mind, but I am trying to get past it, to let go…its just so hard, my mind goes to that dark place to often for me, and when Ken gets mad I still find myself flinching from him, it upsets him, but he understands, and I am getting better at it…hard to believe a realtionship that far in the past still rules my life…

I didn’t date after him till Ash was 6 or 7…and then I met Ken, and now I am happy…so no I have never had a wild sex life, or gone through alot of guys, but I ended up with the good one in the end, with Ken and Ash and I are so happy and we are a family now, it feels so good

Hello

Hello world…my name is Carie and I am getting old.  I am 30 years old and I am a proud Mama to a straight A sweet little 12 year old.  I am in a long term relationship(5 years) and I am happy in my life just not in myself.  I started this blog so that I could talk about stuff that my family would not ever see…or so I hope.  I want a place where I can discuss everything…from those nights where I go to sleep frustrated to the days I fight with my own inner demons…I have another blog, but my boyfriend visits it from time to time, and where as I am honest in it I feel like I hold back so as not to scare or hurt anyone.  Well thats my brief introduction…I will try to update on a fairly regular basis…but I can make no promises…you know how crazy life can be